Sharing Food with Friends and Family: The Dinner Party

Eating together is one of the most foundational human acts of community. Gathering together around food never seems to grow old.

JP and I have been chatting about how one goes about feeling confident about hosting other people at the proverbial dinner table. She's realized that there is a hell of a lot that goes on before hand to make that meal with friends savory and special. I can only chuckle because I remember when I had that realization too. For each generation that takes on the hosting of gatherings, we look to the past generation and wonder how it seemed so easy for them.

I'm here to say that it isn't easy. However, what I saw in the kitchens of my mother, my aunts, uncles, and grandmother was a labor of love. Sure, it can be exhausting, but the act of giving was and continues to be worth it.

So here's my take on the act of sharing food:

1. What kind of evening do you want to have? A cozy dinner with candles? A patio BBQ with football? Do you want lingering conversations or sound bites with a dance vibe in the background. Do you want to sit and savor or flow through various conversations? Sometimes we don't have a choice because the numbers and individuals will determine just what the right vibe is going to be. If more people are coming than you can fit around your table - you shouldn't be planning a sit down, five course meal.
   
   This past Thanksgiving I had to serve the food buffet style because I no longer have the space for a table than can sit 17 people. Without the formal table, I didn't bother with the china and crystal; everyone brought side dishes to go with the turkey. It was relaxed and casual without the formality of past holidays. Both are fun but I had to go with what works in my current house.
   
2. Who are you inviting over? Is this family, friends, co-workers? A mash-up of some or all? Look, most people bring groups of people together - some who know each other well, sometimes a little new blood is added to the mix; hell, sometimes its a visiting family member who you forget knows all your embarrassing baby stories. When humans come together, differences do too. Sometimes its fabulous and other times, well... there are those moments when someone is off or insulting or simply uncomfortable.
   
   My point in bringing this up is to simply remind you not to worry about it ahead of time. You cannot control or predict the moods and stories that are walking through the door nor how they will mix with the other moods and stories present. Trust yourself to manage the moment - in the moment.
   
3. What do you like to eat? And what can your guests eat? I've had beef on the menu and then learned that the family walking through the door for dinner were vegetarians. So I ask.
   
   But back to you. It's most likely that if you serve what you like to eat - you'll end up serving something that you've made a few times. Food doesn't have to be complicated to taste delicious. And it is always a great idea to serve food that you've made before. Unless your friends know they are coming over as guinea pigs, keep to what you love to make - and eat.
   
   Besides, if there are leftovers, you've got some food for later.
   
4. What can you serve that you can make ahead? This is hands down the best Gathering/Party tip I can give you: Make your food ahead of time, clean up the kitchen and simply keep track of when you need to turn the oven on. If you have some multi course meal idea that entails active cooking just prior to serving - save it for another time. I've never seen this work - unless you have a sous-chef, a bartender, and hostess on the payroll.
   
   Prepping and cooking food is best done when you can relax and enjoy the process. If you are in the kitchen, so will half the guests and that isn't always the best way to make sure the steaks are cooked perfectly. So do yourself the biggest favor ever - and get everything primed for the table earlier in the day. Sure, Roast your veggies (that have already been prepped) or toss your salad (prepped earlier) or warm up the stuffed mushrooms (made earlier) while your guests are there - but those are all easy things to do while listening to your girlfriend regale you with the latest antics of her Siamese cat.
   
5. And finally - who can you tap to help you? Social gatherings - under whatever name you want to define them - are really about a number of people coming together. There are always those that show up for your shindig who really, really want to express their appreciation by helping out. LET THEM. Whether its bringing wine or dessert; washing dishes or putting food away - let the gathering be a group effort. You might have plotted out all the details and vacuumed the carpets but many people like to contribute to the time spent together too. 

When we prepare food for others, we are gifting these folks with our time and energy. I tend to think of feeding others as a way to nourish souls as well as bodies. Sharing a meal is a communal act of connection. Out of what I hope is a sublime - and usually simple - meal will come relaxation and an easing of stress; a sensual connection shared with those around the table. I want the food to help people take deeper breaths, slip off their shoes, and remember what it feels like to be right here and now. That doesn't always happen - but that's my intention.

A dinner party could be likened to a well choreographed dance. Not in my house. It might look that way - but there's been the usual headaches along the way. So forget the dance and figure out what you want to be feeling when the meal is history. I usually want to know that people had a good time, that they felt a sense of camaraderie, that they know how much I appreciate them, and that there was a sense that there's been a bit of a pause button on the very busy schedules that everyone keeps.

Keep it simple, stick to what is tried and true; and let yourself build up some cooking/hosting muscles through your gained experience. Start small and add to your repertoire.

Just like those of my generation and those that came before me, you'll learn and grow and continue to bring your friends and loved ones together.